Maybe I am addicted
To finishing the bottle
To swallow all of these pills
To smoke everything smokeable
To drown out the mess in my head
TRULY. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me what butterflies feel like. Not just in my tummy, but through every bone in my body. You make me feel nervous, the beautiful kind of nervous. Nervous to screw up, to screw up something so incredibly beautiful. Let me lay all of my feelings out on the table. Why should I keep this bottled up. What is the point? Forget about all of the times people have hurt you. Words terrify me. What if they mean nothing to you? I want to be the girl you never expected to walk into your life. I hope I make you question everything you have ever believed about love. I ask nothing in return.
BUT damn… I hope you feel the same way.
It has been 5 years, and I couldn’t be more disappointed. I am tired of this spot that I am in. We should be further in life, we really should be.
Everyone keeps asking when we are going to get married. I wish I could answer them. I dont want this anymore. I want to take time to myself, and be able to make decisions without you. I want to be alone. Not sad alone, but I want to be by myself. I don’t want to rely on you for everything. I don’t want to wait another 2 years for you to get your shit together. I can’t do what we have been doing any longer. I think I could of had so much of a different life if I didn’t have you labled as my partner for the last 5 years. I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize for my feelings. I hate that I have to be careful about what I say, or be careful of who I want to be/become. I am not the same 16 year old girl you met years ago. You make me feel small. You make me feel like whatever I am doing in life is wrong. You make me feel trapped. This isn’t love to me anymore. I feel like your prisoner. I am your prisoner. Set me free. Please just set me free.
I can’t sleep again. My mind is racing with one thought after another. When will this end? One glass after the next bottle. Numb. The best feeling of them all. I’m not sad. Nowhere near feeling depressed. Everything feels right. Everything feels normal. I feel something, not just numb. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could fall asleep. I don’t need it though. I am not on any drugs. My mind just goes a million miles per hour. My mind can’t sleep. It can’t stop. It won’t stop. My mind will not stop.
How can I be so blind. I am running away. Things aren’t as good as the pictures. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for anyone who decides to get attached to me. I will leave you so quickly.
Trust me not to trust me.
I am a walking disaster. I will make your entire world turn left side right. I am misunderstood, and will run away when things are good. I don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this. Someone will love you. Someone will love me. Please don’t fall in love with me.
I sit here in silence. The same song on repeat. A beat flooding through every vein. A temporary feeling that I wish I could feel.
What is on your mind. What is on my mind?
I am toxic.
A little chaotic.
There is something not right. I believe I am already in it too deep. I go through my ups, downs, downs, ups, and downs.
There is not more time. I am fighting this fight to keep fighting. Do you even recognize me? I am still alone in my mind. Maybe that’s how I want to be. Maybe that is how things are supposed to be.
I wish I could fall asleep