Tag: Alcoholic

sleep

I can’t sleep again. My mind is racing with one thought after another. When will this end? One glass after the next bottle. Numb. The best feeling of them all. I’m not sad. Nowhere near feeling depressed. Everything feels right. Everything feels normal. I feel something, not just numb. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could fall asleep. I don’t need it though. I am not on any drugs. My mind just goes a million miles per hour. My mind can’t sleep. It can’t stop. It won’t stop. My mind will not stop.
How can I be so blind. I am running away. Things aren’t as good as the pictures. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for anyone who decides to get attached to me. I will leave you so quickly.
Trust me not to trust me.
I am a walking disaster. I will make your entire world turn left side right. I am misunderstood, and will run away when things are good. I don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this. Someone will love you. Someone will love me. Please don’t fall in love with me.
I sit here in silence. The same song on repeat. A beat flooding through every vein. A temporary feeling that I wish I could feel.
What is on your mind. What is on my mind?
I am toxic.
A little chaotic.
There is something not right. I believe I am already in it too deep. I go through my ups, downs, downs, ups, and downs.
There is not more time. I am fighting this fight to keep fighting. Do you even recognize me? I am still alone in my mind. Maybe that’s how I want to be. Maybe that is how things are supposed to be.
I wish I could fall asleep
N.m.r

More alcohol please.

Well here we go again. I guess things haven’t changed.

I glance at the clock, and it’s only 5AM. I know I have a problem, I know I do.

It’s only one beer; this early in the morning; you are fine my brain is telling me. Maybe.

I crack a cold one open

Chug it.

Fill up a flask of my favorite cheap whiskey.

I head out to the forest, because that’s where I belong. Is there something wrong with wanting to lay in the mossy dirt; Oh how I love the smell of wet moss & dirt. I could stare up at the circling tree line all day amazed by it’s beauty, it’s smell.

There is something about the air in the morning time that melts my whole body. The scent is fresh, clean, and crisp. It’s fall.

There is something about pure silence. It’s not pure silence though. It’s nice to hear the wind, and the buzzing of bees & little insects, and the birds, and to be away from all the noise you don’t want to hear. Like the people, and the voices, and the cars, and your own thoughts.

Gulp. Gulp.

The burning only last for a micro second. Agree? The warming feeling is what gets me. I feel numb again, I feel normal.

I’m not laying on the soft moss anymore.

I’m dancing. Dancing around in my own little paradise. Falling. Falling harder than I ever have before.

Gulp. Gulp. Gulp.

I love this feeling. I couldn’t enjoy this moment any differently. Am I bored? What else do people do. Should I be allowed to call this F-U-N.

I feel like I can do anything. I can do anything. One second of bravery could cost me my life.

I’m not an alcoholic though. I just like to drink in the morning. And when I am bored. Maybe a few drinks when I am out with friends. Or before I go hiking. Or do a major photo shoot. Definitely never before work though! No seriously.